In This Article
- Why trying to change other people always creates frustration.
- The difference between personality and inappropriate behavior.
- How labels shape both children and adults.
- Why our uniqueness is our greatest gift.
- How letting others be themselves helps us discover who we really are.
Perhaps one of the most frustrating things we ever do is expect other people to behave the way we think they should. And it's frustrating for them as well as for us.
We may think someone is too loud and too outgoing, or too shy and too withdrawn. Or we may think someone is too bossy, while someone else is too timid. Or that someone is too talkative or too quiet.
Whatever it is, there is something about them that triggers a reaction in us. That reaction often arises because we see something we judge as "incorrect" behavior.
What Is Appropriate Behavior?
Society certainly has its own ideas about what is appropriate. Yet, when it comes to personality, temperament, and the many ways people naturally express themselves, there are very few universal rules. Beyond treating others with kindness and respect, much of what we call "appropriate" is simply a matter of opinion, culture, or conditioning.
One of the consequences of thinking that others should behave differently, and getting upset when they don't, is that we are actually harming ourselves. We end up feeling angry, frustrated, or resentful because life, meaning the people around us, is not behaving the way we think it should.
That is a recipe for unhappiness. The reality is that we don't actually suffer because people are different. We suffer because we expect them not to be.
A Recipe for Happiness
So what's one recipe for happiness? I let you be you, and I let me be me.
Unfortunately, society and our upbringing have told us, as well as others, how to behave. Many of those "suggestions" have gone against the very nature of the individual.
I recently found myself repeatedly getting impatient with a family member because, in my opinion, she's always rushing around, a way of life I would find stressful. Yet my judgment of her behavior is simply a waste of energy. She is who she is. That rushing around is part of who she is. She's a bit like the Energizer Bunny, just going, going, going.
As for me, my operating system is different. I get out of breath just watching her scurry from one thing to another. Yet for me to get upset about somebody else's operating system is futile, foolish, and frustrating. It's a bit like getting upset with a rose for not looking like a sunflower, or with a carrot for not tasting like a radish, or with a dog for not behaving like a turtle.
You get my point.
The Repercussions
When we get upset about how someone else behaves, it's like hitting our head against a wall. They are who they are, and trying to force them into a different behavior will only give you a headache. It will probably give them a headache as well, so it's definitely not a win-win situation.
Consequently, the motto that I am learning to embrace is: You be you, and I'll be me. In other words, both of us should stop trying to make the other one behave in a certain way.
This is incredibly liberating. It allows us to let go of the anger, frustration, and resentment that come from expecting others to act the way we want them to or think they should.
The greatest drawback of thinking that others should behave differently than they do is that we not only create a wall of separation between us, but we also create an inner state in which we are no longer at peace with ourselves and with others.
The bottom line is that we don't really hurt others with our judgments. When we hold impatience, blame, resentment, and frustration within our heart, this is what colors our life day after day.
The Gift of Our Differences
In a family, a classroom, or a workplace, there will always be a variety of personalities, talents, and behaviors. Rather than becoming upset because other people don't behave the way we would like them to, perhaps the gift is to discover what their particular strengths are and what they bring to the table.
If everyone brought the same dish to a potluck, it would make for a very boring meal. In the same way, every person brings a different flavor, a different perspective, and a different gift. No matter how much you like mashed potatoes, if that was your only choice, the menu would be very bland.
When we expect everyone to think and behave alike, we miss out on creativity, wisdom, and possibilities that only diversity can bring.
Perhaps that is one of the greatest shortcomings of our standard educational system. It expects every child to behave the same, to learn the same way, and mostly to sit still and be quiet.
That simply cannot work for everyone. Some children are inventors by nature. Some are explorers. Some are contemplative. Some learn by moving, questioning, experimenting, or creating.
When we try to force everyone into the same mold, frustration naturally follows. Both children and adults flourish when they are allowed to express their own nature rather than constantly trying to fit someone else's expectations.
Let Others Discover Who They Are
We cannot know what another person needs, either to get through their day or to learn the lessons they are here to learn.
And it's really none of our business, unless they are our children and we are trying to lovingly guide them. It is not our role to tell people who they should become. Even with children, our purpose is to help them discover who they are, not mold them into who we think they should be.
Letting Go of Other People's Labels
In the same way, we need to discover who we are and let go of what we've been told we should be, or even what we've been told we are. Because what people told us was simply what they saw through their own perception and interpretation of life.
A child may have been told, or overheard someone say, that they were shy, not very smart, not athletic, or not attractive. Those words can quietly become accepted as truth.
But perhaps that child was not shy at all. Perhaps they were simply observant and reflective. Yet that one label may have influenced their self-esteem, their choices, and the person they believed themselves to be. Labels often become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Even labels intended to help can sometimes become limiting if they convince a child that something is fundamentally wrong with who they are, rather than helping them understand how they learn, think, or experience the world. A child may have been labeled as bossy or stubborn, when perhaps they simply possessed leadership qualities and a strong sense of purpose.
Perhaps the problem is not always with the child. Perhaps the problem lies in trying to make everyone fit the same mold.
For generations, schools have often expected every student to learn the same way, sit the same way, and think the same way. Yet some of history's most creative minds, including Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Steve Jobs, and Richard Branson, struggled in traditional classrooms. That should tell us something.
Obviously, the difficulty was not that these creative geniuses were incapable. The educational system simply wasn't designed for the way they naturally learned and expressed themselves.
In much the same way, whenever we expect another person to behave the way we think they should, we are asking them to wear a straitjacket of our own making.
Discovering Who You Really Are
Most of us have been trained, conditioned, pushed, and pulled in countless directions throughout our lives. Since every meaningful change begins with ourselves, perhaps our intention can simply be this: Let others be who they are while we focus on discovering who we truly are.
Our first task is to rediscover ourselves. We do this by paying attention to how we feel, by listening to our intuition, and by noticing what genuinely brings us peace, enthusiasm, and joy. The map is within.
We are born with our own uniqueness, our own talents, and our own way of experiencing life. Your energy, your essence, and your vision are part of something much greater.
Our purpose, whether we consciously choose it or not, is to discover that uniqueness and then share it with the world. Not the modified version of you. Not the version society has told you to become. But the real you. The inner child who still carries your unique light, your unique truth, and your unique gifts.
So go ahead and be your true self. And in doing so, give others permission to be their true self as well.
After all, roses were never meant to become sunflowers. They simply bloom as roses. Perhaps we were meant to do the same, and bloom as our own unique expression of life.
So the magic formula is simple: You be you, and I'll be me. After all, life would be boring if we all were mashed potatoes.
About The Author
Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com
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Article Recap:
Expecting other people to think, act, or behave the way we do is a recipe for frustration because people are meant to be different. By releasing the need to change others, letting go of limiting labels, and discovering our own authentic nature, we create greater peace within ourselves and allow others the freedom to do the same.
#Authenticity #PersonalGrowth #InnerPeace #SelfDiscovery
#EmotionalWellBeing #Relationships #SelfAcceptance #Mindfulness
#Individuality #PersonalTransformation #MarieTRussell #InnerSelf
