Getting the love you want

by Harville Hendrix

Publisher: Harper Perennial Published: 1990 Category: Health & Healing

Romantic relationships hold the potential for profound healing and personal transformation, yet they often become sources of recurring conflict and disappointment. This groundbreaking work reveals why passionate love inevitably fades and how couples can move beyond power struggles to create deeply fulfilling, conscious partnerships that heal childhood wounds and foster genuine intimacy.

At the heart of this transformative approach lies a revolutionary understanding: we unconsciously select partners who mirror both the positive and negative traits of our primary caregivers. This isn't romantic coincidence but rather the psyche's attempt to return to the original source of frustration and finally get the love that was missing in childhood. When the initial romantic phase dissolves, couples find themselves locked in familiar patterns of frustration, essentially asking their partners to fulfill unmet childhood needs while simultaneously criticizing them for the very traits that attracted them initially.

The work introduces readers to a powerful therapeutic framework called Imago Relationship Therapy, which transforms the relationship itself into a vehicle for mutual healing and growth. Rather than viewing conflict as a sign of incompatibility, this perspective recognizes recurring arguments and disappointments as opportunities to heal old wounds. Every frustration with a partner points directly to an unfinished aspect of childhood development, making the relationship a sacred space where both individuals can reclaim lost parts of themselves and achieve wholeness.

Central to this healing process is a structured communication technique that helps couples move beyond defensive reactions and truly hear each other. This dialogue process requires one partner to mirror back what the other has said, validate their perspective, and express empathy for their feelings. This deceptively simple practice breaks through years of miscommunication and creates emotional safety, allowing both individuals to express their deepest needs and fears without triggering defensiveness or withdrawal.

Readers discover why romantic love feels so magical yet proves so fragile. During courtship, partners experience a temporary recovery of the spontaneous, joyful self that got suppressed during childhood. The beloved seems to promise complete acceptance and the fulfillment of every longing. However, this euphoric state cannot last because it's based on projection rather than reality. When partners inevitably reveal their human limitations, disillusionment sets in, often followed by a painful power struggle where each person tries to change the other back into the idealized image.

The transformative work required involves making a conscious commitment to become the healing partner the other person needs. This means stretching beyond comfortable behaviors to provide experiences that were missing in the partner's childhood. If one person needed more emotional expressiveness growing up, the other learns to share feelings more openly, even if that feels unnatural. Through these stretching exercises, both individuals grow beyond the limitations of their own upbringing and develop into more complete human beings.

Practical exercises guide couples through identifying their childhood wounds, recognizing their unconscious partner selection process, and creating specific requests for behavioral changes that promote healing. Rather than vague complaints, partners learn to ask for concrete, positive actions that address core needs. These exercises transform abstract psychological concepts into actionable steps that reshape daily interactions.

The approach emphasizes that passionate romantic love represents only the first stage of relationship development. Beyond the power struggle lies the possibility of real love, characterized by acceptance, commitment, and the intentional choice to support each other's growth. This mature love doesn't eliminate desire but deepens it, as partners become increasingly whole and authentic.

For individuals seeking emotional healing, personal growth, and spiritual connection through intimate relationships, this framework offers a comprehensive roadmap. It acknowledges that our deepest wounds often surface in romantic partnerships while demonstrating how those same relationships can become the primary vehicle for healing, self-discovery, and transformation. The work empowers couples to stop blaming each other and instead embrace the profound healing potential inherent in committed partnership.