How to Make Decisions That Bring Inner Peace

In This Article

• Why inner peace is the best guide for making life's decisions
• How to recognize the difference between inner guidance and guilt
• Why people-pleasing often leads away from authentic choices
• The difference between keeping the peace and experiencing inner peace
• Simple ways to listen to your inner wisdom with confidence

Oftentimes, as I'm reading a book, whether fiction or nonfiction, a sentence will jump out at me that carries much depth and meaning. And so it was with this sentence, written by a mother to her daughter who faced an important decision. The mother wrote simply: Trust the peace, not the guilt.

That one sentence stayed with me. It led me to reflect on those moments when we're faced with a decision and aren't sure which path to take. I often suggest tuning in to your inner guidance. But what does that actually look like? What does it feel like?

This simple sentence answered those questions beautifully: Trust the peace.

Peace Is an Inner Compass

The decision that is right for you is the one that feels peaceful. Not the decision that is made from guilt, obligation, or some other version of "I should."

If a choice leaves you feeling peaceful, or even quietly neutral, that's often a sign you're moving in the right direction. But if there's an uneasy feeling because you're making the decision out of guilt, or because someone else expects it of you, or because society says you should, then chances are it isn't the choice that truly serves you.

Having had people-pleaser tendencies for much of my life, I've often made decisions based on someone else's needs or desires. It probably didn't help to be born female and brought up Catholic, where, in both cases, sacrifice is often presented as something to admire and emulate.

There certainly are times, especially as a mother, when sacrifice is appropriate. But the way to recognize those times is not by asking whether you're giving something up. The better question is whether your choice leaves you with peace or with sorrow, regret, or another emotion rooted in a sense of lack.

When we make choices that are aligned with our deepest truth, they tend to feel harmonious. When we make decisions based on guilt or obligation, the emotions that follow are often resentment, repressed anger, frustration, or disappointment.

Finding the Balance Point

The golden mean is peace. Inner peace is the balance between extremes. We neither give too much of ourselves nor too little. We neither expect too much of others nor too little. We simply find ourselves at peace with wherever the balance rests at that moment.

This reminds me of sitting on a seesaw as a child. Depending on the other person's size and weight, each of us had to sit in a different place on the board for the seesaw to balance. A heavier person couldn't sit all the way at the end because their weight would overpower everything.

Relationships work much the same way. If we're carrying an unusually heavy load of emotions, expectations, or attitudes, we have to shift our position. Likewise, if the other person is carrying that heavier energy, we may need to step back and give them room so that our balance and inner peace can be restored.

The goal is to find that place within where we feel at peace with what is happening or what has already happened. If we notice anger, resentment, bitterness, or frustration, it's often a signal that something inside us needs adjusting. Perhaps it's our attitude. Perhaps it's our expectations. Perhaps it's simply the weight of the opinions we've been carrying.

When we lighten that inner load, we naturally move toward balance. We find that peaceful place where our attention shifts away from darkness and back toward love, acceptance, and perhaps understanding.

Listening Beyond "I Should"

I recommend making decisions based on your highest good. Yet because our minds, along with our upbringing and lifelong programming, become involved, it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between our authentic inner knowing and the familiar voice saying, "I should."

Once again, the measuring stick is peace.

I recall several times in my life when someone wanted me to do something with them, and my people-pleasing tendencies wanted me to "go along to get along" even though it simply didn't feel right.

Through experience, I discovered that whenever I ignored that quiet inner knowing and went along with someone else's wishes anyway, things somehow turned sour. We'd end up having a disagreement, getting caught in traffic, arriving only to find the event had been canceled, or encountering another frustrating circumstance.

Looking back, I realized that if I had simply trusted that quiet feeling within and respectfully said no, those experiences would have been avoided.

Thankfully, I also have many examples of times when I did say no because "no" felt right. Those decisions consistently turned out well. Sometimes the other person went ahead without me and ended up having exactly the experience they needed. Perhaps they met someone or enjoyed an opportunity that would never have unfolded if I had accompanied them. Life has its own remarkable way of arranging things.

As I encounter people who have fallen into the trap of addiction, I am grateful that I listened to that inner voice when it said no when I was offered crack or heroin. I could have fallen prey to peer pressure and gone along with those offers, but my inner voice was clear and firm: "No!" 

When we trust what genuinely feels right, we often discover that it truly was the path we were meant to follow. I was not meant to walk the path of drug addiction. I chose to make different choices. And that brought me peace.

The Difference Between Peace and Keeping the Peace

We also need to distinguish between inner peace and compromise.

Sometimes we give in simply to keep everyone else happy. Outwardly, everything appears peaceful. But inside, we may feel frustration, resentment, or even the sense that we allowed ourselves to be manipulated into doing something we never wanted to do.

That isn't peace. That's merely the outward appearance of peace. Real peace lives inside us. It creates harmony that feels good. 

Love Respects Our Authentic Self

Peace does not mean becoming a doormat or allowing others to walk all over us. Quite the opposite. Inner peace requires self-respect, listening to our inner wisdom, and remaining true to who we are. Being true to ourselves may occasionally create temporary waves, but those waves often lead to calmer waters later on.

If someone's love depends upon our always doing what they want, I would question whether that is truly love. Love is unconditional. Love accepts us whether or not our choices match someone else's wishes. Love supports us in making the decisions that are right for us. Love respects our unique needs, our unique gifts, and our unique path.

As I write this sentence, my mother comes to mind. When I presented her with my "already-done" decisions, she did not try to talk me out of them or reprimand me. When I called her and told her I had dropped out of University and gotten a job, she accepted my choice. She loved me enough to let me make my own decisions and my own mistakes. She accepted that I had chosen my path whether she agreed with it or not.

Unconditional love doesn't ask us to become someone else in order to earn acceptance. It recognizes that each of us has our own journey to walk and our own lessons to learn.

Learning Without Judging

The Greek philosophers taught that an unexamined life is not worth living. And that's an intense statement. Perhaps a gentler way to look at it is that an unexamined life is not fulfilled; it's incomplete. It's a rough draft of a life, not the final "perfected" version. It's not the one that will end on a note of inner peace and satisfaction.

Examining our life is a wonderful practice, whether at the end of the day, the beginning of the next, or occasionally when we are inwardly guided to do so. We can reflect on our encounters, choices, words, and actions. Not to criticize ourselves, but simply to observe and to learn.

Did our choices create inner peace or inner turmoil? If they left you feeling turmoil or regret, that isn't a reason for guilt or blame. It's simply another opportunity to choose differently next time.

The School of Life presents pop quizzes every now and then, and perhaps even every day. Fortunately, none of them determine our final grade. They're simply invitations to learn, grow, and respond with greater awareness the next time.

I suspect many of us avoid looking within because we fear we won't like what we find. We may fear discovering we've made mistakes or failed to live up to our own expectations. But self-reflection isn't about punishment. It's about learning how to live more peacefully.

Every Step Has a Purpose

Imagine a long staircase. Our destination may be the top landing, but that doesn't make the lower steps mistakes. Every one of them is necessary. Without them, we could never reach the top.

Likewise, as we move toward greater inner peace, there will be missteps. They aren't failures. They're simply part of the staircase.

Thomas Edison is quoted as saying, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps." Each attempt brought him one step closer to success.

Our journey toward inner peace unfolds in the same way. Some choices won't bring the results we hoped for. Yet each one teaches us something valuable that brings us closer to living in harmony with ourselves.

What truly prevents us from climbing is becoming trapped by blame, judgment, and guilt. Those heavy burdens keep us standing still or even pull us back down the stairs.

Our goal, the one on the top landing, is to end each day at peace with what we've said, what we've done, and even with what we've chosen not to say or do. And we get there one step at a time.

Claiming Our Inner Independence

As I write this, it's the day before Independence Day in the United States. It reminds me that perhaps our greatest declaration of independence isn't political at all. Perhaps it's declaring our independence from guilt, from unnecessary obligations, from limiting beliefs, from judgments, and from society's endless expectations of who we should be.

Just as people throughout history have sought freedom from outside rule, we too are invited to free ourselves from the inner and outer critics that try to keep us living someone else's version of our life.

Choosing and living that freedom may require retracing our steps. It may require changing how we relate to the people around us. Most of all, it asks us to become faithful to who we truly are and to what brings genuine harmony within.

Being true to ourselves doesn't mean doing whatever we happen to feel like in the moment. Some impulses don't lead to peace either. That's why we pause. We reflect. We listen more deeply.

One helpful practice is to imagine yourself having already made each possible decision. Sit quietly with each one. Notice how your body feels. Notice what emotions arise. Imagine how each choice unfolds and where it leads.

Very often, one path carries tension while the other carries quiet confidence. That quiet confidence is usually worth trusting.

Life continually invites us to pay attention to what is happening within us, regardless of how loudly the outside world is pulling us in one direction or another.

The next time you're faced with a difficult decision, perhaps you don't need a longer list of pros and cons. Perhaps all you need is one simple question: Which choice brings me peace?

Then, trust the peace, not the guilt, anger, or fear.

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com

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Article Recap:

Making decisions from a place of inner peace leads to greater harmony, authenticity, and self-respect. By learning to recognize the quiet voice of inner guidance instead of reacting to guilt, fear, or obligation, we discover a more peaceful and fulfilling way to navigate life's choices.

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