Effective Parenting: Being the Captain, Not the Dictator

Parenting Without Power Struggles,

Navigating parenting can be challenging, particularly when it comes to maintaining authority without resorting to power struggles. Parents can choose to be calm and confident leaders, guiding their children through life's challenges while setting appropriate limits. This approach fosters a strong relationship built on trust and respect, ultimately benefiting both parent and child.

In This Article

• What are common tensions in parent-child relationships?
• What are the different parenting styles and their impacts?
• How can parents effectively set limits with children?
• What practical strategies help in maintaining authority while fostering connection?
• What are the risks of failing to establish boundaries in parenting?

Staying in Captain mode requires that we become comfortable setting limits so that we can parent with kindness, clarity, and confidence.

Setting Limits

In my counseling practice, I often see well-meaning couples who are committed to avoiding the mistakes their own parents made, yet who confess to having a tremendous lack of confidence when it comes to handling challenging situations.

“Is it okay if I let my fourteen-year-old experiment with smoking pot? His friends are all trying it.”

“I tried to cancel my son’s World of Warcraft subscription, but he got so furious he punched a hole in the wall!”

“My kids become little terrors when we go out to eat unless I turn my cell phone over to them. Should I give in to keep the peace?”

Unsure of themselves and afraid to set limits, they convey to their children that they don’t know where they stand, or perhaps more accurately, that they are simply afraid to take a stand, lest they upset their children.

What I find interesting is that the very kids who have outbursts when they don’t get their way almost always long for their parents to create some real connection and structure. Sometimes, when I meet privately with youngsters like these, they tell me that they wish their parents weren’t so wishy-washy. And other times, they make this known simply by responding positively when someone combines limit setting with deep and secure attachment.

MAKING IT PRACTICAL: Parenting with Presence in Real Life

For my birthday last year, my son’s gift to me was a letter he had written about his childhood, thanking me for helping him grow into the man he is and is becoming. Throughout the letter, he recalled times when he was upset that I had said no to something he wanted to have or do. From his now-adult vantage point, he appreciated that I had been willing to hold my ground about what he now understood had not been in his best interests.

I can’t describe how touched I was by this letter. I remember so well the times when I had to make an unpopular decision about something he wanted. If I was on the fence, I would invite him to respectfully make a case for why my no should be a yes. Sometimes he convinced me.

But when I was certain that no was going to have to be no, regardless of my son’s anger or disappointment, I had to trust my instincts and keep my eye on the bigger picture, even when it meant letting go of those delicious smiles that I knew would be mine if I would just cave in.

I also recognized that my son — even when he was very small — was in every way my equal, on a soul level. (In fact, I frequently felt that he was the wiser one!) But I came to understand that children need someone to be a guiding, steady presence in their lives, even if it means not letting them do things they long to do — such as watching a movie that you know will give them nightmares or heading off to a party where there may be no parental supervision.

It is not easy to establish boundaries or to disappoint our kids, but perhaps like me you will come to see that it isn’t about whether or not we are spiritual equals with our children; that goes without saying. It’s about the fact that we have a duty and obligation to fully inhabit the grown-up role to the best of our ability. This might require being present with our uneasiness or discomfort about our children’s anger toward us. But we shouldn’t avoid those unpleasant feelings by abdicating the bigger need they have — for us to lovingly Captain the ship, steering them through storms as well as calm waters.

Can I Be The Captain And Still Be Fun?

Kids are programmed to enjoy life. Thank goodness! Otherwise it would be a drab and dreary world, with everyone shuffling through the tasks on their to-do list, dutifully checking things off.

Remember, a pendulum swings from one extreme to the other before it settles in the middle. It is common for it to take a little time to find your sweet spot when it comes to inhabiting the role as Captain of the ship without sacrificing the pleasure of enjoying life with your kids. In time you will become more comfortable setting limits when they are needed and appropriate, for example, when your kids want to play with matches or jump off the roof.

My recommendation is this: When faced with a decision about whether to be flexible or firm with your children, pause and check in with yourself. Tune in to what your instincts tell you is the best course of action. Trust yourself.

Stand in your Captain role with confidence. You don’t have to become your mother or come across like an army sergeant. If it’s a good day to have ice cream for breakfast or announce a Stay in Your Pajamas All Day holiday, by all means, do that!

The last thing I want is for parents to read my books and think they have to stop being goofy and lighthearted with their children. Don’t forget: although ship captains exude confidence and know how to navigate stormy seas, they also take passengers for a twirl around the dance floor!

Children remind us to play, explore, and embrace life with great passion. While you have to be the grown-up in the room with your kids, don’t ever let that put an end to filling your days with joy and fun.

©2015 by Susan Stiffelman. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher,
New World Library, Novato, CA 94949. newworldlibrary.com.

Article Source

Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids
by Susan Stiffelman MFT.

Click here for more info and/or to order this book.

About the Author

Susan Stiffelman is also the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles and is the Huffington Post’s weekly “Parent Coach” advice columnist. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a credentialed teacher, and an international speaker. Susan is also an aspiring banjo player, a middling but determined tap-dancer, and an optimistic gardener. Diagnosed with the ADHD label, she manages to accomplish more in a week than many do in a month, while maintaining a regular meditation practice and spending serious amounts of time playing. Visit her website at www.SusanStiffelman.com.

Article Recap

Effective parenting involves confidently setting limits while fostering a nurturing environment. Parents should focus on being a steady guiding presence for their children, balancing authority with empathy.

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